Matters of the heart can be complicated. They can be messy and nowadays, finding true love is a far-fetched dream. Sadly, most men just want to hit and run!
This is how it goes. You meet a man and he creates this picture-perfect image of the good husband, who has no qualms changing diapers or massaging your feet when you will be heavily pregnant, panting like a dog!
He knows a few Bible verses and can argue why President Donald Trump was a wrong choice. You are smitten. You start visualising your wedding guest list and whether gold and black theme can blend.
However, before you even make for him Spanish omelette for breakfast, he breaks the news; he is not looking for anything serious!
That can be devastating especially in an era where women are desperate for the ring.
Well, relationship experts now claim the many failing relationships is due to the ‘Fuck-boy Sydrome’ that is common.
A fuck boy is a smooth-talking charmer who has mastered the art of finding, meeting, attracting and seducing beautiful women into the bedroom. Once he accomplishes his goal, he leaves the woman and proceeds to his next conquest.
Agnes Wanjiru, 38, a sales manager at a soft drink company had fallen victim to one.
She fell head over heels with a fuck boy, who had promised her heaven and all things good.
Wanjiru describes her ex, with whom they are currently co-parenting as a cool boy, who was madly in love with her.
“I met *Mike* at the Koroga Festival I had attended with a group of my girls to see Jose Chameleon. He is tall, very good looking, eloquent and quite stylish. He had charms for days, I literally got swept off my feet,” recalls the mother of one. “The only problem was that he was a bit younger but with my girls egging me on, I went ahead and gave him my number and a relationship blossomed from there.”
For Agnes, this was a gift sent from heaven. She had tried dating before, but nothing was working.
At 35, she knew her biological clock was ticking and she needed to settled down, Asap!
“Dating as a successful Kenyan woman is not easy. Men tend to shy away especially if you live in a better place than they do or drive a better car than them. I got dumped in my previous boyfriend because I bought myself a Range Rover as a birthday present. He felt that I belittled him by doing so and that he could never compete with that,” recalls Agnes.
“So when Mike came by, a young vibrant 26-year-old, I felt right at home. He was never bothered by my wealth, or status. Within months, he had already agreed to move into my house. He used to praise and celebrate my achievements but little did I know that he too was looking for something. Something that only my wallet and status could provide,” says Agnes.
After dating for a couple of months, Agnes was pregnant and that was when everything went south.
“He would take my car and leave me in the house alone. Most of the time, he would come back extremely drunk without a care in the world. I would find condom wrappers in my car. I never wanted to rock the boat since we were about to have our first child so I swept it under the rag,” says Agnes.
After Agnes gave birth, things got worse.
Mike became more controlling of her finances and became emotionally abusive. “Since I was a first time mother, I would be reluctant to leave my baby in the house with the help, so I would opt to send Mike with my card to buy what I needed. That was the biggest mistake I made. Large sums of money would be withdrawn from my account without my consent,” recalls Agnes.
“I would have messages from the bank about withdrawal and charges made to my card and every time I would ask about them and I would be told I am insensitive to his needs. He would manipulate me into believing that I was making him feel like a lesser man that I eventually started to believe him. So in order to maintain the peace, I let him have his way and just called the bank to set a weekly limit on my card.”
The turning point came when their one-year-old fell ill and Mike was nowhere to be found.
“Our baby has a high fever, I called Mike but he ignored all my calls. I didn’t have a way to get us to hospital so I tried transferring money to my M-Pesa but Mike had already used up the weekly limit. That is when I realised that I was really talking care of two babies. All he does is just go out and drink and I was fed up,” recalls Agnes.
Agnes decided to pack up and leave.
“I had my relatives move me out of the house and take the car from him, he had the audacity to hang on to my car and we had to involve the police. The nerve of that boy, I literally took care of him and all he needed to do is be loyal to me, but I bet he is regretting his decision now tjat he is living in his mother’s house,” says Agnes.
Angela, a popular radio presenter has also had a fair share of a fuck-boy who left her feeling empty and disgusted.
“I got to know a guy who was famous for being a playboy. All my friends warned me but I didn’t care that much. However, I decided to give him a chance. He is one of the most handsome guys I’ve ever seen. What I liked the most was his charm, his manners. The first month was paradise because he used to give me so much attention and I was experiencing my first relationship ever.
Last February, he suddenly started avoiding me with no explanation. No texts, no calls, no nothing. Then again after two weeks he sent a text saying he was sorry and blah blah blah. From that episode, we alternated beautiful moments to weeks of his total absence,” she narrated.
Angela says she was depressed and knew it was time to call it off.
“I remember crying so much, wondering if it was my fault. I thought he cared about me. One night, he called me to apologise, but I called it off. Looking back, I am happy I did it,” she added.
According to psychologist James Mbugua, fuck-boys or players display many warning signs that women need to be know.
“They are typical womanisers but hide by telling you they are just friends yet it is more than that. They always do not want to commit and have excuses; they will not talk about any future plans like marriage or the two of you being in a long term relationship, they are always evasive.
“When it comes to cars, they will go for Subarus if they don’t have money but if they make good money, big machines is their choice,” he says.
Mbugua warns that most of them live a lie.
“Most of them are wannabes and would rather live in high end estates like Karen and Runda in a servants quarter than live in areas that are not recognised. Image is very important to them.
“Their dressing is always on point to trap unsuspecting ladies. They will always have rules when dating like don’t come to my place unless I tell you or pick you up, this is because they are entertaining other women you don’t know about.
“Most of them have the fear of commitment because they fear being milked dry by ladies,” he adds.
Mbugua says that some of them act that way because of the way they were brought up.
“Our socialisation is shaped by our families, we replicate how our fathers and mothers behave. Emotional bond also matters in the family and if there was none, the guy will only want to satisfy his sexual urge.”
Mbugua also states with professional therapy and an understanding woman who notices the missing link, a fuck-boy can change, but the change has to start with him.